Grotesque (Gurotesuku) (2009)

I love Japanese (or Asian in general) horror movies. They have a way to freak me out with their eerie ambiance, lots and lots of hair, cell phones, creepy children and elevators.

This movie on the other hand isn't like that. This movie is from the other end of the spectrum with lots of blood, severed things and violence (for once I saw the unrated version, yay!).

It tells a story of a couple who just has started dating. Aaaand then the creepy, creepy doctor abducts them very much in the fashion of Hostel (to which this is compared to) and Human Centipede (which I would say is more similar to this). Hostel had the physical and mental abuse down but Grotesque actually goes on and ups Hostel with sexual abuse.

The killer doctor's motivation isn't that clear although there's a speech from the girl (I don't think they ever tell the characters first names. Though IMDb says her name is Aki but I'll just call her The Girl) at the end. She says she pities him because his mother is a whore and that he has a condition which makes him smell really bad but not notice it himself. And that it's probably the reason why he is so lonely and then retaliates to random people. He gets mad and kills her but she just called he's mother a stinking whore so...

What makes Grotesque different from Hostel is the other possible motivation of the killer. He says he's very rich and is just bored and through his victims will to live he can feel excitement. But it's questionable if he's lying because first he cuts of various body parts (finger necklace, lovely) then he treats their wounds and tells them he's gonna let them go and give himself to the police because he had he's excitement. But then when the couple is almost healed he starts torturing them again. He wants more excitement and THEN he's gonna let them go. Well, It ends badly. The good doctor slits the boys stomach open, ties the other end of his intestine to a hook and makes him walk to a pair of scissors (and he cheers the boy the whole way). He is the supposed to cut himself loose from his own bowel and continue to the girl and free her. Which he can't do. Then we get the speech and the doctor beheads the girl whose head then bites him. That's Japan for ya...

At the end we see the doctor scattering their ashes and going for another girl. So nothing is changed. And I think that makes him a liar liar pants-a-flame..

Only thing is... I don't think it's supposed to be that deep. There really isn't that much of a plot. It's just supposed to shock with it bloody abuse (and the severed nipples, don't forget about the severed nipples). The make-up effects are amazing (like always in Asian horror). Didn't like the CG-blood at the end but it was hardly palpable.

I'm always set for gore. Especially if it's from Japan.

Grotesque on IMDb

Brüno (2009)

Yeah, a talking penis and the word "TAINT" flashing on the screen... That's about what I expected from this movie. I don't find nudity that funny or offensive at all so I'm probably not the target audience for this movie. I liked it for totally different reasons.

I love Sacha Baron Cohens absolute dedication to his characters. He doesn't bail out and break character even if he is in real danger (= a metal chair flying inches away of his head or making fun of real life dangerous people). He's rude, offensive and shameless and it's funny. And the peoples reactions are HILARIOUS. Seeing the rednecks first get confused and then angry (after seeing two men getting it on in a cage fight ring) almost made me pee my pants. And saying to a minister who (allegedly) makes gay people straight, that he's got amazing blow job lips, is so fucking hilarious to me.

When you are this kind of comedian (or a satirist) you can't be scared to go all the way and spare no-one (hence the autism joke). I actually would go as far as to compare him to Lenny Bruce. In a sense that their comedy has the same function, to shock the people to remember the issue. Both of them offended a whole lot of people but they also speak to the people in their own language, meaning they don't twist the words to confuse people (like politicians or religious people). 

Baron Cohen also has a way to make horrible stereotypes actually likable and sympathetic. And they still are horrible stereotypes.  That's why I think he's a perfect choice to play Freddie Mercury. People underestimate (like I always do even if I know better) his talent because of all the offensive crap he does. And I've actually decided not to hate The Dictator in advance. We'll see.

Also he made Elton John not only say but to sing the words "anal bleaching". And four out of the six guest stars he had in the song have done The Simpsons (and so has Baron Cohen) so I wasn't a bit surprised to see them there. But Harrison Fords "Fuck off!"-guest appearance was a surprise especially after reading that it was the only cameo where the celebrity was in on the joke. Weird.

If you liked Borat you'll like this movie. Simple as that. The movies have almost identical plots and the characters are similar one note-y stereotypes. And if it weren't Sacha Baron Cohen it wouldn't work.

Hostel III

Oh, Eli... Why didn't you direct this movie too? I really liked the first two movies. Scott Spiegell is a writer (a fairly good one = Evil Dead 2) not a director. We really didn't need a straight-to-video (or DVD, I'm old dammit!) sequel.

This time the movie takes place in the old US of A (instead of somewhere in Europe). In Vegas to be exact. I kind of can see why (with all the empty space in the desert and crap) but really? Like we haven't seen that before a million times. Everybody knows there's shady things going on in Vegas (and what happens in Vegas blah blah blah...)

I actually liked that the actors again aren't huge names (for example there's the dude who played the son in Nip/Tuck). Still I would have preferred them to be total unknowns. The fantasy is better when you don't have to think "Yeah, like Brad Pitt is really going to die!" And to my surprise they were decent actors (like the first two movies).

The plot is worn as shit. Guys go to Vegas to have a bachelor party. Wooo...  They get sold to the hunting club and as it turns out, one of them is a member. You know the one that.. umm.. the rich asshole one. He's supposed to kill his best friend but fails miserably. I loved his moronic motivation. He wanted the girl his buddy was going to marry next week (or like he put it: "When it comes to pussy, I have no friends." Great right?) The place gets blown up, looks like the hero went with the building and that the asshole got away. But SURPRISE!!! Last thing we see is the soon to be married couple killing the asshole. Nice (No sarcasm.)

I didn't hate this movie as much as it may seem but it wasn't as good as the previous ones. And the second one wasn't even as good as the first. This movie felt the slowest of the bunch. I was almost screaming to my TV "Stop stalling and go get killed! We came to see severed limbs and eyeballs hanging on cheeks!" I don't know if the version I saw was some mutilated version or if this movie for some reason wanted to do less graphic killing scenes (If so, might I ask what the fuck? You're selling people to be killed. For entertainment. You can't do the killing behind the corner. I wanted to see the most graphic killing so far.)

So yeah, it isn't the most horrible movie but if you want to see nice graphic violence I would stick to the first one. It had nice make-up effects (from which about half had been replaced with kind of crappy CGI in this movie) and the pacing was better.

I was ready to rip a new asshole to Eli Roth but he got spared this time. Maybe there's still hope for the future of horror and gore.

Prime Time Special: The Twilight Zone

I'm going to talk mostly about the '85 version but mention the original 60's version in comparison (the 2002 second re-make worked on it's own fine but I don't really count it as a Twilight Zone series.) I like all of them (though I haven't watched all of the originals yet) but the '85 version is my favorite. Why? The original is great but the 60's had this weird vibe that somehow always sticks out to me. 80's had it too but it's more familiar being born around that time.

So... Serling was already dead at this time and the re-make didn't have his touch on it. I may get a lot of shit for saying this but I don't think it mattered. I think they still captured what Serling was going for in the original series not only by doing couple of straight re-makes and sequels but capturing Serling in their own episodes. Which were great... for one and  a half seasons.

Let's talk about cancelling series. This is sadly one of the horrible examples what can happen to a wonderful show when it's cancelled. The first season is one of the most imaginative things I have ever seen. Every show had a moral at the end and it left you wondering what you would have done in a similar situation. Then things turn to shit when you're cancelled. You can do one of 5 things. 1. Think a great way to end the series. Tie the loose ends and give a conclusion to everything. Perfect. 2. Leave things open and for the audience to decide. Can work in some cases. 3. Don't think and just end. Not Good. 4. Be oblivious and just be cancelled in the middle. No time to do anything. 5. Say "Fuck it!" and do whatever you like. This hardly ever works. Twilight Zone apparently chose the last option because the last season is preposterous. The morals are gone and replacing them are demons and morons. I liked the slight paranormal or science-fictiony edge on most of the series. Not straight out fairy tales.

Still this series leaves a happy feeling after I watched it. Probably just because the first season is SO good.

It's hard to choose favorite episodes but I'll try. The episode that most sticks out to me is "Children's Zoo". The writers captured so wonderfully the thought that every child has probably had sometimes: "What if I could take my parents somewhere and switch them to better ones?" Another very similar one is "The Uncle Devil Show". Children in the the 80's being the first generation raised by television, parents not paying attention and a tv-show that can make all yours dreams come true. "Her Pilgrim Soul" and "A Message From Charity". Again, two very similar shows. First one has a woman who appears in a computer hologram and after realising that she is a soul of a woman who lived in the 20's, the scientist founds out that he is a reincarnation of her husband. The woman died in childbirth at a young age and came back to live a full but sped up life with her greatest love. (Romantic as hell!) The second one has a teenage boy in the 80's and a girl in puritan times who both suffer from a bacterial disease that somehow allows them to see with each others eyes.

There are more great episodes but I can't list every one if them. Those are the ones that always come to mind first.

Maybe I sometime talk about the other versions in depth but this time I think I just leave it at that.

Ooh, also watch the 1983 Twilight Zone movie. That's great too.